Communication has always been key to any successful relationship, whether it be friends, family member or romantic partner. As a strong advocate for openness and honesty, it is valued in whichever way you feel comfortable to communicate and feel free to talk, rather than keeping negative and hurtful feelings inside, as this is detrimental to one’s mental health
Suitable partners can be like buses, you spend a lifetime waiting for one and a few turn up at once and just like buses, each potential partner can take your life on a different route. With options, comes questions, what kind of journey do you want? Where do you want to end up? Sometimes hesitations arise and in other cases, having other options can clarify the qualities that you are looking for. There has been much research on our abilities to make decisions as humans and the impact the decision-making process has on our happiness and although many of the studies have focused on economic gains or losses, some of the cognition behind the processes could be applied to the dating world.
As discussed in the article Tough Choices: How Making Decisions Tires Your Brainby On Amir“The human mind is a remarkable device” however it has its limitations. Our executive function is not a limitless entity and “unrelated activities that tax the executive function have important lingering effects and may disrupt your ability to make such an important decision.” We can therefore limit our brains ability to make clear decisions if we increase how many choices we have to make because we strain our minds. Despite the fact that it has always been suggested that multi-tasking is beneficial to us, studies, including this article in Psychology Todaywritten by Bryan Robinson, now propose that it actually “inhibits your ability to focus and produce. It fatigues your brain and eclipses your ability to interact with others and enjoy the present moment.” This is referred to as ‘decision fatigue’ which can alter the decisions you would make if you had less options to choose between. This concept could therefore be applied to the context of dating.
However, in order to make a decision we must first gather the relevant information. In the case of dating options, you need to gain a level of understanding about who that person is and whether you match against values, characteristics and lifestyle. Once you have ascertained those things about someone, you can then assess the alternatives and draw a conclusion, before reviewing your choice. As clinical as it may sound, we are continually evaluating the choices we make in life, whether it be what we had for lunch, to what relationship we are in and because of our ever-globalised world, our choices are multiplying and with it the decision-making process becomes harder. Research conducted by Schwartz (2004) aptly named The Paradox of Choice, found that having too many options negatively impacted the individual making the decision and “argues that the cumulative effect of choice that is causing our society substantial distress”. You could therefore presume that an increase in suitable partners would draw the same negative impact.
There is also an aspect of what you are like as a person. This is demonstrated in the research and states that there are two key aspects; a maximizer or a satisfier. Being a maximizer suggests that “you seek and only accept the best. You exhaust all other alternatives to make sure that you know that what you’re buying is the absolute best (quality, price, etc...). You aspire to achieve a given goal and are less likely to get satisfaction out of the choices you make compared to the satisfier.” Whereas a satisfier refers that “you settle with something that is good enough and you don’t worry about the possibility that there might be something better out there.” As a result, there may be a combination of, number of choices and temperate, that effect how happy we are with the decisions we make. For example, you could have fewer options as maximizer but still feel less satisfied than a satisfier who had more choices, as it is in the nature of a maximizer to question more intensely the options they have.
This may perhaps be further explained by the term ‘Overchoice’, which was coined by Toffler (1971). It refers to several ‘equivalent choices’ available to a person, which results in them becoming overwhelmed due to the number of potential outcomes and the fear of making the wrong choice. It therefore highlights that more may be less. However, the research also showed that it is dissatisfying if a person has no choice at all and thus a small but not limited choice set, leads to increased satisfaction and reduced regret. Consequently, it is better to have fewer, more apposite suitors than it is to have hordes of candidates.
This can be directly linked to the dating world and the current increase in the access to thousands of potential partners we now have. With the rise of apps etc we have a flood of potentials right there on our phones but as is mentioned in the blog ‘Here’s Why Too Much Choice Is Ruining Dating’by Erica Gordon“You could get overwhelmed by the ‘options’ and suddenly feel paralyzed, not acting on any of them. Even worse, you could end up alone because the deceptive perception of something better always being around the corner can cause you to never just choose someone and stop looking.” This is where the benefit of focusing on one potential partner at a time comes into play. This is because you get to know that individual at a deeper level, which may consequently prevent you from jumping straight to another person when something may not go your way.
This is also where matchmaking can be of assistance, instead of decreasing your satisfaction by swiping your way through countless people, take a focused approach. Matchmaking can help you whittle down the options to maximise time and effort on relationships that have a chance of going the distance. Of course, as we’ve seen, it is beneficial to have a few options, but it is still important to remember that a successful relationship will only flourish if you focus on each potential relationship at one time. Knowing that you have gathered all the relevant information and had the freedom of feeling like you really want to be with that person will speak volumes and in turn gives a loving relationship a chance to grow. Focus drives clarity and with clarity you can have peace of mind that the decisions that you are making are coming from a place of clearness and true feelings.
Another issue that can arise if we do not focus on a particular potential partner at a time, is that rather than concentrating on what that person can bring to the table, we start to pick and choose attributes from multiple people on what we are looking for. As discussed in my previous blog‘The art of self-sabotage, too scared to find what you are looking for?’though it is great that we can build an understanding of what we are looking for, it can also limit us because “when we do come across a potential partner, they are held to these unrealistic criteria. In doing this, we are essentially sabotaging any chance of a healthy, balanced, successful relationship. We may tell ourselves that we will only be content if we have A, B and C fulfilled and as a result refuse to see the persons endearing and positive qualities.” It is therefore important to consider that if you have multiple potentials in mind, you may be muddying the waters, making your perfect person less and less clear by posing such strict preferences on your goals.
So, to answer the question, are having dating options; a help or a hinderance? We can express that there needs to be an element of balance. Too many and you become confused and unsatisfied, constantly thinking is the grass greener and too little you wind up thinking whether you have settled and are discontented. Focus on each person individually and learning to understand everything about them and you will find that you are closer to finding a long lasting and successful relationship.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why less is more. New York: Ecco.
Toffler, A. (1971). Future shock. Bantam.
You are in love. You don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you can’t do anything but think of the person. Are you addicted to love?
Ever since the beginning of time love has been described as an excruciating passion. We see it everywhere; in movies, in books, in songs. Almost two thousand years ago, Ovidsaid: “I can’t live with or without you” (Amores III, xi, 39) – a sentence that was made famous by Irish band U2 song. Other musicians sang about this too; legendary Led Zeppelinin their “I can’t Quit You Baby” as well as Ke$ha in her catchy song"Your Love Is My Drug." Similar feeling is expressed in the famous movie Brokeback Mountain by the character Jack Twist who said: “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
It is far from true that only artists and poets feel this way as our everyday speech is full of such expressions. We often hear those in love saying: “I need you” and “I am addicted to you”. It seems like when we are in love, we experience a tremendous attraction towards another person and that attraction is persistent and often times impossible to ignore.
Love is often thrilling but it can sometimes be dangerous. If our feelings are returned, we are in a state of euphoria. However, other times we might follow love’s pull to the point of suffering. It is hard to disagree with the fact that lovers sometimes become confused, unreasonable, unpredictable or even self-destructive. When relationships end in an undesirable way, lovers feel pain, grief and loss.
These patterns of alternating euphoria and despair, frantic longing and harmful thoughts and behaviours that might occur after a relationship ends are strikingly similar to phenomena we see within ‘typical’ addictions to drugs, alcohol, nicotine or gambling. For example, a gambler might feel euphoric during the initial rush and excitement that comes along placing a bet and winning. When an unwanted loss occurs, the gambler feels desperate and often behaves in a destructive way – for example they may increase the bet with money that he or she is not in the position to spend. Nevertheless, while we often borrow phrases from the language of addiction when referring to love, there is at least one distinction between love and conventional addiction; while nobody desires to become addicted to alcohol, nearly everyone yearns to be in love. Is it therefore absurd to claim that there is a true resemblance between love and addiction?
Perhaps not. First, there is a resemblance between love and drugs even before an addiction develops. For instance, scientists suggestthat on a physiological level, falling in love and smoking crack cocaine are incredibly similar processes! This not to be confused with that slightly buzzed sensation you might feel after a glass or two of wine; it is rather the overwhelmingly euphoric and exciting feeling that follows the intake of crack cocaine that is similar to falling in love. So, if you are looking for a legal way to get high, perhaps consider falling in love.
What is really happening when we fall in love? We start by experiencing a rush of emotions. Some like to call it magic, others prefer the term ‘fate’, I like to say that I’m being love-struck. Whatever term we use, from a biological perspective, being in love causes a range of chemical reactions in your brain; neurotransmitters called oxytocin and dopamine get released. These chemical reactions affect your brain and produce the euphoric feeling that we experience during the initial stages of a relationship.
The chemistry behind falling in love has been extensively studied and written about. However, many of us are not too concerned about that – we simply like the way it feels. Also, even without reading articles, many of us know that this overwhelming rush of feelings will fade away at some point. There is nothing wrong with that. The initial first weeks or months should help us build a solid foundation with the person we are in love with and hopefully form a relationship that goes beyond just a chemical reaction. Nevertheless, for some people this chemical reaction, this euphoric state is what they become addictedto and keep looking for even when it is over. This is then another similarity between love and addiction; just like drug addicts desire to feel the high cocaine gives them and are unable to resist it, love addicts have a hard time letting go of that initial rush.
If at this point you feel like you are definitely a love addict, please bear in mind that almost everyone can relate to that initial rush experienced during the early stage of a relationship. We’ve all been there; the other person’s existence provides us with constant emotional excitement and distraction. However, most people acknowledge that healthy relationships will inevitably develop into something less exciting but more profound in the long run.
While the similarity between falling in love and taking a drug is there, being in love evolves into a healthy, happy relationship whereas compulsively taking a drug can develop into an addiction therefore it appears that there is a distinction between the two. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. In the same way that drug addicts cannot resist the urge to get the high, love addicts choose to rely on the neurochemical rush. When the rush fades away (whether induced by love or drug), the addict feels pain and disappointment and compulsively seeks the rush again.
But what is the rush in love addition? Unlike the typical addiction, we can’t point into something physical such as pills, cigarettes or slot machines. There are, however, clear symptomsthat manifest in a person’s behaviour and might signal love addiction.
One of the most common signs of love addiction is assigning too much importance to the new love. Of course, we all feel a little obsessed about the person we fell in love with but only love addicts would do whatever it takes in order to keep the high; they jeopardise work, friendships and even family and prioritise the new person in their life. Furthermore, they neglect responsibilities in their life in order to chase relationship dreams. Once the new person becomes the centre of their world, love addicts tend to believe that he or she can fix everything. As a result, instead of the relationship enhancing their life goals, their lives become all about the relationship. Ultimately, love addicts find themselves in relationships driven by feelings of incompleteness and insufficiency and find it difficult to feel ‘whole’ without their partner.
These feelings, however, vary from person to person. That said, even if you exhibit all of these behaviours you might not be an addict, as everyone is different what makes someone addicted might be perfectly fine for someone else, in the same way that drugs don’t make everyone addicted to the same degree. In any case, there is advice for everyone who experiences the love addiction signs. In his book ‘How to Break Your Addiction to a Person’, Howard Halpern describes techniquesthat might help in breaking or preventing the addiction to a person
1. Keep a Relationship Diary
Log the events and happening of your relationship in as much detail as possible. Most importantly, be honest, express your thoughts and feelings openly. Doing this may help you understand your feelings better and the way they relate to your actions. For instance, you might spot that every time you feel bad, you reach out for your phone and text your partner. When you are more aware of the situation, coming up with solutions becomes easier.
2. Connect with others
Try and reconnect with your friends and family. The value of this network can be precious and those addicted to love often neglect it. Although it might seem that only your partner can provide support and understanding, you will be surprised to see that sharing your thoughts and feelings with your friends or family can be equally comforting.
3. Become Aware of Your Body
Our minds are deeply connected to our bodies. The way we feel is related to our body functioning and it is therefore important to be aware of that relationship. Become aware of your body; it can be something as simple as focusing on your breathing. This will enhance the feeling that there is a central core within you and that you are actually the one who has control over it.
4. Allow Multiple Attachments
Just like we can connect with people, we can also connect to something more timeless. Go out in nature, read books, listen to music – the world is full of things to explore. In a way, whereas people come and go, these things will always be around. This is not to say that we should not connect with people because one day they might not be there, but rather that we should get the best out of everything that is out there be it people, places or things.
So, is it love or is it addiction? Probably it is a little bit of both. While some dose of addiction can be nice and poetic, in its essence, addiction is not about enjoying something but rather having a hard time staying away from something that gives you pleasure. Therefore, just like with everything in life, the best would be to find the balance between the two and enjoy a happy relationship.
Dr Kurt Smith. Yes, it is Possible to Be Addicted to Love. Retrieved from: https://www.beliefnet.com/wellness/yes-it-is-possible-to-be-addicted-to-love.aspx
Earp, B. D., Wudarczyk, O. A., Foddy, B., & Savulescu, J. (2017). Addicted to love: What is love addiction and when should it be treated?. Philosophy, psychiatry, & psychology: PPP, 24(1), 77.
Fisher, H., & Holt, H. (2004). The brain in love. SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.
Halpern, H. M. (2003). How to break your addiction to a person. Bantam.
Today may be a day like every other day — consisting of our daily routines like pressing a button on our coffee machines, running the kids to school, attending the occasional meeting and the frequent checking of our phones. We may not realise it, but technology today has such an omnipresenceand has changed the way we function in our everyday lives. We use our devices around 50% more than we did ten years ago, thus it is incredible what we have managed to achieve in such a short space of time. It is crazy how it all seems so conventional now, but we have come a long way since the catastrophic internet dial-up tone we all remember from the 90’s, as well as the five minutes it took for a webpage to load. Now, we can easily get over a million results on a search in less than a second and wirelessly transfer items from one device to the next, and even to our cars. Technology is amazing; however, it does have its drawbacks.
One of the biggest advantages if technology is its ease of use and convenience. It is easy to get to grips with, and when we use them, we save a lot of time and energy in our day, even when we are doing the most tedious of activities like the food shop. The saying, “Time is money” could not ring any truer, especially now more than ever before in light of the world’s current financial crises. However, with that in mind, we spend less time doing tedious everyday things, but spend more time interacting with technology instead, so what has happened in the time we have made up in the real world, but lost to the virtual world?
Grace Roche for Cuvva.com discusses the profound effects of technology on our everyday lives, explaining one of the biggest disadvantages of technology is how we are relying too much upon having easy and instantaneous access to everything we may desire. The use of technology has literally given us the power to have the world in the palm of our hands; from ordering our food and clothes to be delivered to our doors and getting artificial intelligence to do it for us. The ease, accessibility and speed at which we are provided with what we want from companies and devices means we are receiving instant gratification which can ultimately and inevitably lead to us all becoming less patient and to some extent more frustrated when we don’t receive what we desire when expected or when done manually.
Psychology has long delved into gratification across the lifespan, more specifically though, the focus has shifted along with the new technological era and is now taking into consideration how it is impacting our relationships with others. Jim Taylor Ph.D notes in his article for Psychology Today that technology has also redefined our meaning of relationships, as such Pomerantz (2013) explores this further in her dissertation on ‘Attachment and Delayed Gratification in the Technological Age’. She acknowledges that we interact in a different way than we did in the past and as such we have created a new way to keep communicating with others and express our needs virtually, with “Generation Y” using it to their advantage to enhance feelings of comfort and minimise feels of negatively skewed feeling and emotions. In a sense, we are now able to turn our backs or disconnect when we feel uncomfortable, take for instance the ending of a phone call during a heated discussion or avoiding a message. On a positive note, the means by which we are connected now allow us to think freer and be more responsible in what we let others think and how they perceive us. As such, messaging has since become associated with the euphoric feeling of feeling loved or highly valued. However, this also signifies the lines between virtual and reality may have become blurred and we may have lost touch with how we would react if someone were to say the same things in person (Walsh, White and Young, 2008).Furthermore, in our modern day and age, it is easy for us to become tangled in the web and quite literally too. We are all a part of the World Wide Web in one way or another, as such via social media or through the press in some way. We read the news, connect and scroll through our timelines, and even sometimes express our lives and opinions on it. It is an everyday necessity now. So much so, we have begun unable to separate the real world from our virtual ideals and social media entities. Our true realities can be blinded by the eye-catching headlines and glamorous paparazzi snaps, evading the truth behind the screen and misconstruing what is really going on in our lives and the world. As such, you can feel envious and that you should be doing something far greater than what you are doing. Whilst for many of us this may be the case due to our ambition and wanting to better our lives, for others it is because they have viewed something on the internet, and they wish to be like someone else and are thus wanting to live in someone else’s false sense of reality. Believably, it is easy for us to look at something and base an opinion on it, whether it be a judgement of them, or in comparison of ourselves.
Whilst the instantaneous access allows us to be constantly aware of the world around us, it can also mean we are at a heightened state of fear and apprehension. Technology and social media have also elevated and influenced the fear of missing out, or commonly known as ‘FOMO’ in today’s society. We are relying upon the media and the internet to tell us what to do and how to get there, without consideration to real life circumstances or emotions. As such, we are more unhappy in our lives and surroundings than ever before and BBC Scotland has found it is because we are focusing on all the things we feel aren’t controllablebut really and truly are, if we only disconnected from technology for a mere second. What is more, we are also in what has been aptly named the “loneliness epidemic”,Alice G. Watson explains our dependence on our phones and in particular our interactions with social media have heightened our feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially when viewing or being a part of negative interactions online.
So how can we combat these feelings and help our interactions with the real world?
We must first look at the bigger picture, our phones and technology are an essential to our day to day lives, but not an essential part of our existence. We are more than a collection of photos and statuses, and our self-worth is not determined by the likes or how many followers we have. In the real world we make connections by talking to people, we first learn the little things about them and then we delve into the deeper conversations, getting to know one another piece by piece. Our devices help us to ask the difficult questions as we can hide behind a screen, making it easier to talk to one another as previously mentioned, but when it comes to face to face contact make sure you don’t back out of love, even when it may be scary or you might be uncomfortable.
If we took a step back from technology, and limited our usage, therefore only using it as and when needed, we could be happier and find we are leading more of a meaningful life. By being able to disconnect we are able to reconnect to ourselves and realign our feelings in accordance to who we wish to be and not who we see or want others to see. According to Forbes when we engage in real social connection (face-to-face) and make a conscious effort to be surrounded by others physically and not our devices, we perceive our activities to be more meaningful and consequently we feel more fulfilled and happier.
Of course, the times will change and a new wave of technology will soon be available, but we can’t let a false sense of reality make us lose sight of who and what we love and appreciate. Whilst technology may have changed the way we communicate, and as it stands most of our “interpersonal interactions have become imbued with an immediacy and connectedness unrelated to physical proximity". We must never let it completely void all face-to-face conversation, as without it we won’t feel or get raw emotion and understand others. Part of life is being able to understand where we are going wrong and where we are going right, perhaps in our relationships or perhaps even in our work. Technology doesn’t have to rule our lives in every domain as we must always remember, things aren’t always as they seem, and we cannot predict everything. Think of your device as a view into someone’s view of themselves, you will only see what they want you to see, and it is most likely a false image. Happiness, fulfilment or opportunities will not come from comparing, or being stationary behind a computer screen.
Thus, our message is to not become tangled in what you see, your happiness lies within you, from understanding yourself, knowing who you are and your capabilities, learning to be kind to yourself and making meaningful connections. You will know what you want, and even better you will know how to get there.
According to tradition, The Seven Deadly Sinsare: envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth, and wrath.
This series of blogs looks into how these ‘sins’ can play into relationships.
Envy: The intense desire to have something that someone else possesses.
It is human nature to compare yourself to others, but when it comes to relationships, this is a mistake best avoided. We have all heard the saying ‘nothing is quite as it seems’ and this couldn’t be more accurate when it comes it love. It’s easy to view a relationship from the outside and envy what those two people have in comparison to what you have; ‘they always look so happy’, ‘they’re perfect for each other’, ‘they never seem to argue’ but the reality is more often than not quite different. In the age of social media where people are encouraged to post picture perfect lifestyles, taking things with a pinch of salt can sometimes be the best approach.
Let us first remember that when you see couples posting about themselves online, you are seeing only a small snapshot of their reality. It is highly unlikely that the people in question will post anything other than the best version of themselves and their relationships. Projecting the image of relationship bliss is far more inviting and enviable than posting the day to day reality of relationships.
Relationships of any kind are hard work. Be it friendships; if you want to remain on good terms and connected to a friend, you have to put the effort in to see them regularly so that the connection remains, or romantic relationships; you need to take time to be with your partner, to build memories together and to really talk to each other about whatever is happening in your life at that time.
Envy can impact your relationship in many ways. From an internal perspective, comparing your partner to someone else’s can be the start of a downward spiral. Statements such as ‘why can’t you be more like X, he’s always happy to spend all his free time with his wife and kids’, or ‘X loves going out every weekend with her partner, why can’t you be more like her’ can have a detrimental impact on your relationship as a whole. This is because, after all, it’s never nice to feel like the qualities you offer your partner are being compared to those of someone else.
When envy begins to creep in, in this way, it can be helpful to remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. You are with that person for a reason, so there must be some qualities that drew you to them in the first instance. Psychologist Dr Georgina Barnett and colleagues at Seventy Thirty explored The Psychology of Attraction in a recent podcast which highlighted an introduction into some of the different approaches to what we find attractive and why. The matching hypothesis for example, explains that we tend to be attracted to someone of equal attractiveness. There are many different theories about what we find attractive and why, some of which Noam Shpancer Ph.D .explores in his article Laws of Attraction: How Do We Select a Life Partner? These range from factors such as exposure and familiarity, to personality and character, and on and so forth. Whatever the reason that drew you to your partner, keep that at the forefront of your mind.
When it comes to envy, the phrase ‘The grass is always greener’ is often a prevalent thought. You envy what someone else has and automatically assume your life would be far better if you had the same; if you’re single, you long for the security and comfort of a long-term relationship, and if you are in a relationship you long for the freedom and far reaching social life of your single friends.
Suzie Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski in their article Why Does the Grass Often Seem Greener Elsewhere? Found that “We may overwhelmingly focus on what is wrong in our situation and forget about what is going right. Despite plenty of positive things in our environment, our attention naturally fixates on problems.”. This applies to envy in that it is an emotion which, more often than not, comes to the forefront when we are feeling in a negative mindset. If you are having a good day, feeling happy, loved and in good health it is quite easy to naturally relish all the things you love about your partner and see the positive traits they have; thoughtfulness, understanding etc. However, the opposite can be said if you are having a bad day and are in a negative mindset. Suddenly those usually endearing qualities turn into ‘reasons’ to feel envious and look elsewhere or at least feel like you ‘should’ be looking for bigger and better things.
Remember, happiness isn’t a guarantee which comes with life. You have to want it, be passionate about it and work hard to achieve it. Once achieved, whether that be with the partner you’ve always hoped for or the job you dreamt you’d get, the next stage is to work hard to maintain it. Envy can become an issue when something else in your relationship is lacking. It is during these times that we tend to focus on the negatives which make it so much easier to justify our feelings of envy and this is where the hard work begins.
Joshua Becker wrote A Helpful Guide to Overcoming Envy and found that ‘One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted.’It can be helpful to remember the things you enjoy about a certain situation in order to stop feelings of envy coming into play. For example, if you are working in a field that you initially found appealing, which would be a given if you decided to take a job in that field, remember why you said yes. Consider all the skills you have learnt in that role, the colleagues you enjoy spending time with and the reasons why you have stayed in that position for as long as you have. The same applies to romantic relationships. Remember why you said yes to the first date with your partner, when you fell in love with them, the memories you have shared so far and the plans you have for your future together.
Taking time to be thankful for what you have, instead of being frustrated by what you don’t, can do wonders for your relationship and state of mind. Incorporating Mindfulness into your day to day life can help with this as “becoming more aware of the present moment can help us enjoy the world around us more and understand ourselves better. When we become more aware of the present moment, we begin to experience afresh things that we have been taking for granted”.
It is human nature to get frustrated and to want something else. There are some who would even say this is a helpful emotion to have as it can make you strive to achieve more or to change the things you are not happy with. For example, if a friend of yours has progressed up the career ladder and has achieved successes you feel you would like in life, instead of feeling envious, try to feel inspired. See them as someone to look up to, a yard stick of what you would like to achieve and the direction you would like your life to go in. You could even try talking to them about how they have come to the position they are in today and see if there is anything you can implement in your own life/relationship to help you reach your goal.
Loveisrespect.org published a blog on What is a Healthy Relationship? and found that the following tips can help you and your partner create and maintain a healthy relationship: Speak Up, Respect Each Other, Compromise, Be Supportive and Respect Each Other’s Privacy. These points may seem simple, but are often over looked when we are in an envious mindset. Once you find the person you want to commit to, keep these tips in mind as ways to maintain your relationship thus avoiding envying others.
So to conclude, whether you are in a relationship or single,take time to smell the roses, push doubt from your mind and instead of feeling envious about all the shoulda woulda couldas, consider where you are now, what you are grateful for and happy about in your life, and if there is something you don’t like about it, change it because you want to and not because the green-eyed monster we call envy tells you to.
Finding a companion you really care for and adore is truly one of life’s many joys. The time you spend together is cherished and can sustain your desire to see them until your next meeting, as well as the fluttering presence of butterfly like sensations when a phone call or when a text message from your companion appears. Hence demonstrating that your new-found love is seriously exciting and engaging. NBC news’ Nicole Spector presented a wonderful article explaining why falling in love gives you butterflies- Nicole’s article explores the physiological phenomenon of feeling butterflies in our stomachs. It is our body’s response to our mental state in that moment in time, whether we realise what our minds are thinking or not. However, there are a number of reasons as to why we feel those sensations; as such the activation of feeling nervous or excitement that stimulates the gut and our real and unconscious desires of sexual passion with the person we are thinking about.
Over the course of a few weeks or even months perhaps, we will have our intense passionate moments fulfilling needs like sex, intimacy and closeness, but with meaningful, passionate sex it almost always leads to the developing of meaningful emotions. The developing of our emotions and connecting on another level allows undiscovered feelings to emerge, and the love between you both to most definitely blossom. Clinical Psychologist, Robert Firestone, Ph.D discusses the negative responses we may all feel as a reaction to feeling and being loved. He mentions that there can be a paradoxical reaction of which being or feeling loved can make us exhibit negative feelings as such Robert Firestone, Ph.D says, “Although the experience of being chosen and especially valued is exciting and can bring happiness and fulfilment, at the same time it can be frightening and the fear often translates into anger and hostility.”
Of course, we all know the feeling of falling in love and opening up our hearts to let someone in can make us feel uncomfortable due to our vulnerabilities,expectations and to some extent, anxiety, in some circumstances. We must remember that we do not wish for this to ruin the magical and personalised experience of finding, being in and the feeling reciprocated love brings to us. Relationships have to follow a natural progression, which means we must pass through stages to become more comfortable in each other’s presence and understand one another more, throughout our time spent together.
The ‘I’ you once spoke of will become ‘we’ as you soon enter into the next step in your ever-flourishing romance. The mile stone will be to collate your lives — sharing friends, family and of course eventually a property, or a few. Now, before we rush ahead and think too far into the future, we all feel we must present new and exciting things (such as our beloved) to our family and our dearest of friends. Being introduced may seem, again like another anticipatory anxiety inducing stage in the relationship, but we must look at this in a different light such as, “my beloved is introducing me to their family”, “my beloved is showing me off to their family”, and reframing to focus on the positives and why your partner is doing this. They are doing this as they are proud to say, “I am happy with this person and I want you to meet them, so you can see why I feel the way I feel about this person.” We feel like we must present our new partners to our closes friends and families as they pose the most influence over us throughout our lifetime and across the phases in our life. In addition to this, Theresa E DiDonato Ph.D. says “Both men and women introduce their dating partners to parents when they are ready to gain their parent’s approval and want to signal to their partner that they are serious about the relationship (Fisher & Salmon, 2013)”. Thus, rest assured it is a positive sign if you are asked to meet the family.
However then comes the question, when the right time is to introduce your partner to the family? Rachel Shatto for Elite Dailyevaluates all aspects and has created the perfect guide to meeting the parents. Rachel explains picking the right time is essential, wanting to make sure your relationship is new as not to let anyone think that you don’t want anyone to meet your partner, but yet not too fresh for anyone to think your relationship has just been fueled by lust. Furthermore, Rachel also mentions that to relieve the anxiety, or awkward situations it is better to stay by your partners side in the first instance or first few questions, to get a feel for their family, but not to let them answer all questions for you, as after all, you are your own distinctperson.
When it comes to meeting our partners’ loved ones, many things can happen. In the best instance, your family love your partner and agree the two of you make the perfect match, but what if first impressions fall short and you find yourself in the scenario where your loved ones do not see the amazing person you see. Are you blinded by your loves or blinded by your love?
Your family and friends will always be your biggest critics and yet they only want what is best for you. They are there in your times of greatness, and your times of need. Although their judgement can have a powerful influence on you, they have always supported you down every avenue you have ventured. Bearing this in mind, the initial thing to do is to ask your loved ones to explain their reasons as to why they think your partner is not a good fit for you. Perhaps you are seeing your partner through ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, or it is a little aspect they noticed which may grind your gears later down the line. Nevertheless, whilst you might feel hurt your loved ones have questioned your judgement, try not disregard their views as this can be detrimental to your relationship with them. As Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C explains for Good Therapy“we can choose our partner, we cannot choose family”, thus with this in mind it can be difficult for a partner to build a rapport or any form of relationship with family and friends due to them being aware of your past and not wanting you to get hurt in any way.
The next best thing to do is to communicate with your partner, asking them how they think it went, as it is important to hear your partner’s perspective. You may find your love was acting out of sorts to try and present a better version of themselves and if this is the case, then your solution is simple - just set another date to meet the family and be reassured they are still the person you fell in love with. Communication in any relationship is necessary, as it allows for the exploration of thoughts and feeling to be expressed and acknowledged. Communicating also allows for you both to connect on an emotional level as opposed to just a physical connection. Marcelina Hardy, MSEd, BCC discusses “Why Communication Is Crucial in a Relationship”, mentioning there are two ways to communicate between you and a partner, verbal and non-verbal, she mentions how these will explain in one way or another how one is really feeling. Marcelina also mentions communication allows for growth in a relationship.
Failing that, there is always compromise. It is all very cliché, but every relationship has its ebbs and flows and of course ups and downs. There will be times in which compromises are needed on both sides. Just being open and honest will mean it will be reciprocated, and what is more, respected in every instance. Whilst it may feel discouraging and difficult to approach a fault in someone, especially someone you’re connected to emotionally and physically, do not feel too disheartened, as together there will be many opportunities to discuss problems and set other dates to be with family and friends in the future.
At the end of the day, there is always more than one perspective to every situation, so being openminded to others’ views will allow you to not be blindsided, and yet shows you respect your partner’s and your loved one’s opinions. After all, everyone may not see what you see, as they are not the one who is falling in love with them, you are. The important thing to remember is there is a reason you chose your partner to be “your person”. They are the one who can console your mind, your body and your soul