Relationship & Dating Blog
Exclusive relationship and dating tips, secrets & advice from our team of psychologists.
It is that time of the year that we all take a moment to sit down and reflect on the past year and reassess it. We recall the good and the bad, achievements we are proud of, but also some decisions we would rather forget, people that we’ve met and people that we’ve lost, new places we’ve visited etc. The question then becomes: how do we make things better in the New Year?
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The matchmakers at Seventy Thirty often give advice on what to do after a break up but we don’t often write about what not to do. This blog therefore gives a few tips on things to avoid doing after you break up with that special someone.
Act like nothing’s happened When a relationship ends your standard answer for how you’re feeling will more often than not be ‘I’m fine! Everything is absolutely fine’. It is of course possible to feel you have made the right decision when things come to end however it is vital to acknowledge what has happened and to move on from it in a happy and healthy way. You may not wish to share your inner most thoughts on the subject with anyone who asks, however it is ok to be honest about your feelings with those you trust and to ask for support when needed.
Continue the relationship as ‘just friends’ Contrary to popular belief it is extremely rare for lovers to remain good friends once a relationship ends. The reality is that until you are at a stage where you would feel happy for your ex-partner to date someone else and vice versa, ‘just good friends’ isn’t an option. When the relationship is over take time to remember who you are as a single person without your partner in your life. Cut all contact for at least two - three months so you can function fully without them and allow yourself time to heal and move on.
Unleash hell Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold so although you may initially want to cut all the trouser legs off his suits or throw her favourite pair of Christian Louboutin’s into the trash, don’t. The best thing you can do is to move on with an open mind and love in your heart so that when you meet someone new you are in the right frame of mind. Nothing says revenge more than moving on to something happier so if the relationship ended because of wrongdoing on your ex partners side then let go of any bitterness towards them and let karma take care of the rest.
Beg Even god cannot control freewill so begging someone to love you if their heart isn’t in it any more is not going to work. Someone should be with you because they love you and want to be there, not because you begged and they felt sorry for you so they gave things another go. Take pride in your response to a breakup as if deep down you know it’s over then more often than not, it’s over.
Have post breakup sex We’ve all been in that situation where you have the chance to sleep with someone ‘for old times sake’ but after a breakup it is best to avoid this. Like it or not sex involves feelings so you may think ‘it won’t mean anything’ but it will and if either of you isn’t quite over the initial breakup, sex will only complicate things. So break contact in all senses of the word and allow yourself to move on completely.
Think it’s all over If you thought you’d found ‘the one’ and you are no longer with that person then it’s safe to say they were just ‘a one’ and not ‘the one’. It doesn’t mean the relationship was any less special or that your feelings weren’t real it just means they weren’t your future. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking that was your only shot at a happy ever after and instead learn from what was wrong and what was right about the relationship. Be positive and keep the faith that ‘your one’ is out there just waiting to be found.
Social media has in many ways made communication and connection much easier than it ever was before. It reduces distances to a Skype call, and means that there is rarely a reason to not keep in touch with loved ones, our lives now neatly displayed in a digital version across Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, to name a few. This is a wonderful innovation to bring us closer together, however the Seventy Thirty Specialist Matchmakers look at the negative effect it can have on areas in intimate relationships with our partners.
* Time: Having constant access to material and information, can result in social media consuming much more time in everyday life then one realises. If you are not aware and do not keep track of this, it can land up taking away from the time you have to talk to your partner, and build the relationship.
*Distraction: How often have you lain in bed and been scrolling through Facebook, rather than taking that time to connect with your partner after a long day. Even if you are talking, are either of you really listening or trying to catch up with the latest news on social media? Put your phones down when you get into bed and do not pick them up again until the morning.
*Always Active: When was the last time you took some time out and thought, felt, focussed all your attention on your partner, or yourself? Social media has become an added drain as it is always active. Too often now days, if someone has time off, instead of investing it into relationships, it will be used to see what is happening in the greater world. Social media never turns off and this means that now we also too struggle to turn off. Look to press the power button and take time out.
*Privacy: What happened in the past, could be left in the past, and we could move forward, and choose how to share those stories and memories. However, now as much of life is shared on the ever evolving face of social media, it can be there to stay. Now our past and present partners have found a place to meet – on the playing field of social media. This can lead to seeing things about your partners, or them about you, that you would prefer not to see or share. A good rule for this is do not snoop, as this raises paranoia and undermines trust, and think carefully before cataloguing your entire life online.
When it comes to relationships, keep strong boundaries. Set the time aside for your relationship and do not let that be eroded by distraction or constant activity. The person there in front of you, is much more deserving of your full attention, then the hundreds that surround you by the virtue of virtual reality.
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