FIRST DATE Q&A

What is a great first date?

Our Matchmakers at Seventy Thirty have probably seen it all, from brunch and a stroll in the park to an exclusive city break. One couple had a fantastic date at laser quest! Big cities like London have plenty of options for cultural activities like visiting art galleries; these give us plenty to talk about. Choosing something that reflects a common interest is a great way to get conversations going – and to have fun! We recommend not putting too much pressure on it though – a nice atmosphere that promotes mutual interaction is what you need. Don’t be scared to change things up; it’s good to have alternatives up your sleeve. If things are going well, you can move from the cosy wine bar to the new restaurant nearby and then take that short romantic walk by the river before parting ways.

How long should a first date be?

We find a couple of hours will enable two people to get to know each other and find out whether there is chemistry. If you are getting along very well then why not go with the flow. Date ideas should be discussed before and the ‘when and where’ confirmed the day before.

What should I wear?

Everyone has their own style and dates go well when people are authentic. Generally people should look presentable and show they have made an effort. Our Matchmakers are able to recommend stylists and shopping advisors who help people change their look and have a fun whirl around the shops.

Today is the date – what should I do?

It is easy to say relax and be yourself but… try to relax and be yourself. Plan enough time to make sure you aren’t late and if you are running behind let your date know. Don’t grill them about information you found googling – let the conversation flow as smoothly as possible and let topics such as past relationships and careers come naturally.

What should I do after the date?

A nice touch is to follow up with a text thanking them for meeting and for a night-time date checking they got home safely. It is natural – and healthy - to reflect on a date afterwards. It is unhelpful though to focus on every word and try to decipher what the other person was thinking and why they said something. First dates can make people nervous. The important thing to reflect on is whether the person treated you well. Showing interest in your life is more informative about whether there is potential than the shade of shoes.  Be mindful of any red flags though, for example rude behaviour and do not tolerate being treated poorly.

What should I do about moving on to a second date?

The biggest question is did you enjoy the first date? If so, get a second in the diary pronto! Sometimes it takes a few dates for a couple to click, particularly if one is naturally reserved. People may also be unsure whether their date is keen. Matchmakers can take some of the pressure off by discretely gaining feedback from a match. On more than a few occasions we have found our Members have spent the day after worrying that they made a faux pas (or a terrible pun) only for us to discover that their date found it completely charming and is keen to meet again. With very successful people it can be difficult to arrange a time to meet again so being in phone contact will keep the connection and chemistry. A matchmaker will be a source of support and encouragement through those sometimes daunting first meetings and the formation of a relationship.

Role Models in Relationships: help or hinderance?

“Role models are highly important for us psychologically, helping to guide us through life during our development, to make important decisions that affect the outcome of our lives, and to help us find happiness in later life”. Mark Thomas, The Importance of Role Models (2015)

Role models are like a long shadow quietly following behind you on a hot summer afternoon, silent but steadily with you wherever go. They are relevant in our intimate relationships as they can subtly inform many of our ideas and perceptions towards our partners, and as such they warrant some closer scrutiny.  As discussed in the previous article in this series about role models, they represent an example that we learn from, often admire and can thus imitate in our adult relationships. This gives role models a lot more sway then people often consciously realise, which can then go on to help or hinder current or new relationships, be it with a partner, friend or family member.

A friend of mine recently relayed a story which illustrated the shrewd presence of role models well. One Sunday morning, lying in bed, she had a smug grin on her face, hearing her partner turning on the kettle, she waited for coffee and breakfast in bed. This dreamy scenario quickly faded away, as she then saw the cheeky bugger sitting in the sun outside, drinking his own cup of coffee with the paper. Saying to me, how dare he have the audacity to not bring me coffee in bed when he is already making his own. Other than the obvious difference between the ways men and women often think, this situation pointed towards role models. Here was a situation where she was genuinely disappointed and shrugging his shoulders he simply said, I thought you would make coffee when you got up. It illustrates how far apart partners’ conceptualisation of ‘the right thing’ to do can be. These patterns of thinking often lead the way back to the examples we model ourselves on, imitate and what we expect.

In some instances, role models create strong and needed guidelines, and in others, can lead us astray, and create unattainable expectations. The mother of all evil is not money, but rather the elusive idea of expectations. With no expectations one cannot be disappointed, but this is not to say that one should have no standards. Quite the contrary, what we learn versus who we want to become and play out in our present day lives, becomes a balancing act between acknowledging the healthy models of behaviour instilled in us and letting go of irrelevant and negative images and experiences.  Research has shown that one of the reasons why role models are so important is that in order to do something ourselves, we need to first believe that it can be done and secondly, that we can do it (Darling, 2012). And this is where role models can have an enchanted power to propel us forward as they show us both.

Role models help us in the formation of relationships, because they give us a learnt behaviour to follow. In some ways they can provide a map for us to follow. For example, one can think that because I saw my father treat my mother with respect and care, I now expect and model my partner in a similar manner. In this way it is positive and can teach us the positive boundaries and ways we would like to be treated. If taken too far however, this can build up fairy tales which result in expecting to get breakfast in bed on a silver tray. This is not to say, that one should not be spoilt and adored by your partner, but you must be open to different ways of experiencing and expressing affection, learning each other’s language of love.

Other than creating unfair expectations, role models can hinder relationships if built on negative examples that we then learn to imitate. Fortunately, when looking closely at what your own memories, experiences and role models were, you can choose what you would like to grow in your present life, and what elements need to be thrown out, with the cold coffee. Having bad role models does not mean that one is stuck in a negative relationship pattern, and it can often rather be an inspiration for tremendous personal growth and development.

By putting role models on the table for discussion, be honest and ask yourself what you have learnt from your own role models, and what parts of that are positive or negative today. Take it apart, and then build it back together, using life experiences, honesty and the inspiration for healthy, fulfilled relationships, to create a role model that encourages you to be the best you, and so allows your partner to be the best version of them too, be that with a Sunday morning latte in bed or not.

References:

I Could Do That: Why Role Models Matter. Darling, N. 2012. Psychology Today. 

Can the Myers Briggs (MBTI) Personality Test Help to Understand and Improve our Romantic Relationships?

Many people have heard of the MBTI, the psychological test called the Myers Briggs type indicator. It has widespread use as a personality tool in the workplace and in coaching and counselling. My question is can it help us to understand and improve romantic relationships? This is not an easy question to answer because the test itself is very general as it measures our pre-disposition or tendency to behave in certain ways, rather than define fixed personality traits.

Further, there are many ways in which people are attracted to each other, and the MBTI cannot, by definition, be used to predict success in mate selection as there are many factors which can influence our partner choice and are indicative of longevity in relationships.

The MBTI simply identifies our psychological preferences/types in the general way that we like to think and act. It measures four areas where people can be fundamentally different. The first concerns the way we like to become energised, the second is concerned with how we like to handle information, the third looks at our preferred way of making decisions and the fourth is about how we like to organise our activities. Our psychological types are determined by our scores on each of the 4 pairs of dichotomous (either/or) preferences. For example, my preferences tend to be scored as INFJ.

Below gives a brief outline of the types which I’m sure many of you are already familiar with.

MBTI Either/Or Preference Pairs

How do you prefer to recharge your batteries?

• (E) – Extraversion Preference for being involved in the external world of action and people
• (I) – Introversion Preference for the inner world of thoughts, feelings and reflection.

How do you prefer to understand and interpret new information?

• (S) – Sensing Preference for gathering and trusting information that is concrete and tangible
• (N) – Intuition Preference for gathering and trusting information that is more abstract, associated with meaning  and recognisable patterns

What is your preferred decision making method?

• (T) – Thinking Preference for logical, rational and detached method
• (F) – Feeling Considers the impact of decisions on others, evaluates pros and cons

How do you prefer to relate to the outside world?

• (J) – Judging Preference for planning, and being organised in the external world
• (P) – Perceiving Preference for a spontaneous, adventurous and flexible approach in the outside world 

So how might identifying these preferences be used to enhance our relationship with others?

1. We might find that we obtain a deeper understanding of ourselves and each other by identifying our preferences. For example if one partner is identified as having a preference for an introverted (I) focus, whilst the other is identified as having an extravert (E) preference, understanding this difference may inform both parties of the potential need for tolerance, as these two facets of personality are very different in terms of way that energy is gained. Further, those with an (I) preference like to think first and then speak, whereas a (E) preference tend to speak as they think. Without awareness partnerships, where each individual has one of these two different styles, can be quite tricky. 
2. Awareness of preferences might serve to ease friction within relationships as couples might find that they each have a different decision making preference. For example people who show a ‘thinking’ (T) preference, make decisions primarily on logic whereas people with a ‘feeling’ (F) preference, make decisions based on how the people involved will be affected. Understanding these differences might help to ease any tension that might be present between couples when joint decisions have to be made.
3. Understanding communication styles - It is important to recognise that some people like to communicate by emphasising matters of fact and details (S), whereas others prefer to communicate the bigger picture, connecting different pieces of information from different sources (N). If one person in the couple is (S) and the other is (N), awareness of the difference can help mitigate the potential for misunderstanding.
4. Making plans – Individuals with a (P) preference have a tendency to avoid making plans and instead have a more spontaneous approach; (J) individuals, on the other hand, enjoy making plans. Again, with an awareness of these differences, individuals each with different preference type may find it much easier to understand the others’ unique approach.

Perhaps you should try an MBTI test, there are a number of internet sites that freely allow you to do so, and see what you and your partner’s preferences are. Use it as a forum for discussion and understanding; a way to deepen your connection with your significant other.

And…even if you are a sceptic of the scientific basis of the MBTI, you will find that just placing a focus and spending some time learning how each other prefers to think and act will help you both to raise your awareness of the similarities and differences between you. The similarities will bond you and any differences can be viewed in a more benign and loving way.