The art of self-sabotage, too scared to find what you are looking for?

Time is often spent contemplating what we are looking for in relationships, coming up with a list of requirements that we believe will make us happy in that relationship. This is particularly the case for those of us who are single or unsure of a new relationship and have the time to evaluate and ponder what will lead to our ultimate goal, happiness. Although it is great for us to understand what we are looking for in a relationship, quite often these requirements become unrealistic. Consequently when we do come across a potential partner, they are held to these unrealistic criteria. In doing this, we are essentially sabotaging any chance of a healthy, balanced, successful relationship. We may tell ourselves that we will only be content if we have A, B and C fulfilled and as a result refuse to see the persons endearing and positive qualities. This fundamentally prevents any potential romance blossoming before giving someone a chance.

This self-sabotaging behaviour also occurs further on in relationship development. For example when an initial connection has been formed and we are about to go on that all elusive first date, we may start psyching ourselves out. Thought processes such as 'I have nothing to wear, I am not happy about my current appearance, do I even like this person, will it go any further than this anyway', are all self-sabotaging judgments. We try to form a reasonable excuse as to why we should not attend the date, putting off the meeting in case we actually find what we are looking for.

This behaviour is often a result of subconscious cognition, which makes changing our behaviour a little trickier as we are unaware of what we are doing to ourselves. However, if you find yourself continuously putting others down or find yourself perpetually single, tap into your subconscious mind and become aware of your motives. If we are exhibiting these kinds of behaviours then we ourselves are blocking our path to a happy relationship. Once it is clear to see that your behaviour is forming a negative pattern, when it comes to romance, then you can start to take steps to overcome them.

In some instances, the root of these subconscious thoughts can be down to one triggering event or as a result of long standing issues, such as having an avoidant attachment type. Either way, once you become aware of these thoughts you can try to establish the cause of the self-sabotaging behaviour. Once recognised, it will allow you to address the cause of the problem which will result in long lasting resolution. If we do not seek the root of the cause then we cannot truly address our behaviour. In some cases looking into ourselves and being honest will allow us to uncover what drives our actions. In other circumstances we may need to seek some help. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could be key to helping you find conclusions and move forward. The therapy works as a chain of reaction, once the cause of the cognitions are addressed and subsequently altered then this filters into our behaviour. Accordingly, this reduces the level of self-sabotaging behaviour we partake in and increases the likelihood of forming successful, fulfilling relationships.

It can be difficult to remind ourselves that we are all deserving of love and that not only do we deserve love but that it is something we can achieve, if we allow ourselves. With the right manipulations in our thinking patterns we can open ourselves up to the opportunities of love. These changes will allow you to jump head first into dating rather than being too scared and abandoning love when you find what you are looking for.