Seventy Thirty’s up to date, dating terms explained?

Today, there is a name for everything, so it’s only natural that new terms have been invented for everything to do with dating. These new terms include cuffing seasonghosting,hauntingand zombieing.  They reveal psychological processes that help us make sense of what’s happening in the dating world, so it’s worthwhile knowing what they mean. 

Let’s begin with a timely one – cuffing season. Cuffing season refers to the winter months, when people who are usually happily single start to seek a committed relationship. With the days getting shorter and the nights longer, the temperature dropping and the trees becoming bare, it’s the perfect time for cosy nights in with your loved one, building a relationship. It is the optimal time of year for past partners to creep up on you, too. If an ex-partner is single, they might try to come back you to spend these cosy nights in with you. Clinical psychologist Seth Meyersexplains that ‘our energy levels are lower during the colder weather and we are moodier’, so we have less motivation to organise interesting dates. This, coupled with poor winter weather, means we have fewer places to go and things to do. This makes us seek out an easier option, such as a past partner.   

This may help to explain why ghosting in relationships is on the rise. Ghosting refers to when an individual ‘disappears’ without a trace. One day, two people are communicating as normal, and the next, one of them just stops. Ghosting someone can be a way of avoiding your own emotional anguish. However, it can also be passive-aggressive and intentional; it’s a cowardly way to end a relationship. Researchhas shown that emotional rejection activates the same pathways in the brain as physical pain does (MacDonald & Leary, 2005). Being ghosted is painful and means the person who has been ghosted has no closure. They may have several questions for their partner – why did you do this? Don’t you love me any more? What went wrong? 

Some people are more likely to ghost than others. Researchhas shown that people with stronger ‘destiny’ beliefs (as opposed to growth beliefs) are more likely to ghost another person or intend to ghost (Freedman et al., 2018). Those who have ‘destiny’ beliefsbelieve that relationships succeed or fail because two people are either inherently compatible, or they’re not. If a problem were to arise, destiny theorists are more likely to conclude that the relationship was not meant to be rather than work to overcome these problems and find a solution; they are more likely to ghost someone than face the problem head-on. In contrast, people with growth beliefsthink that relationships thrive when people overcome challenges and obstacles; they think this helps the relationship to grow and develop. It’s important to remember that being ghosted says nothing about you, and everything about your ex. Move on to find your next potential match. 

While ghosting refers to current relationships ending abruptly, there are also terms to describe past partners creeping back into your life. This is done indirectly by haunting or directly by zombieing. 

Haunting refers to when – after a substantial amount of time and no communication – a past love begins to subtly resurface in your life. This is done, for example, by liking your posts on social media, which makes you think of them without them actively communicating with you. Why are they following me on social media? Why are they liking my posts? These ghosts from past relationships usually only stop haunting you when they have found someone else to fixate on. Unfortunately, there is noghostbusterthat we can call for you to get rid of them. So, keep an eye out and ensure you don’t engage with a haunting ex.

Zombieing differs from haunting in that it is an active way of an ex coming back into your life; it’s as if someone has just come back from the dead. They send a ‘Hey, how are you?’ message out of the blue and begin to communicate with you as if they only spoke to you yesterday. People tend to be zombied when the person who is zombieing is regretting their decision to end the relationship, or simply because they’re feeling bored and lonely. As it can bring back feelings of nostalgia,it can make you question why now, after all this time, when you are moving forward with your life, they have decided to come back into it. 

Haunting and zombieing can be psychologically draining, since getting over an ex is emotionally challenging. They’re both a form of control, and can prevent a vulnerable person from moving on with their life because they bring a sense of false hope that there’s a chance of getting back together. On the flip side, it may be genuine and your ex may be coming back into your life because they genuinely miss you. The key is to figure out why this is happening. Is your ex only thinking about his own emotions, or is he genuine? If they really want you back in their life, then you’d find out quite soon: they would apologise or try to win you back. If the same person ghosts, haunts or zombies you more than once, then it’s more than likely down to boredom. They’re trying to manipulate you and keep some control over you. It’s definitely time to move on. 

Let’s look at some more of the newer dating terms. 

 

Back-up scenarios

Cushioningis the act of actively pursuing someone who is already taken, keeping them close to you. Imagine the person you like is in a steady relationship. You don’t flirt with them but you talk to them regularly, you have inside jokes and shared memories, and you tag them on social media. But you have an ulterior motive. You are preparing to be their ‘cushion’ if things don’t work out with the person they’re with. Or you might prepare someone to be your ‘cushion’ if your current relationship ends – this can be seen as infidelity.

It’s best to have firm boundaries in place when you’re communicating with someone who is in a relationship. If you’re in a relationship, respect the person you’re with by not overstepping your boundaries. This will avoid cushioning. Cushioning is about putting a lot of effort into someone, with the hope it might lead somewhere. The opposite is breadcrumbing(or ‘Hansel and Gretteling’, after the fairy tale with the dark twist). This means sending out flirtatious, but noncommittal, text ‘breadcrumbs’ to lure someone in without expending a lot of effort. There is no point getting your hopes up about a breadcrumber; they’re just bored. 

The final back-up scenario is  benching, which is very common – and frustrating. Benchinghappens when someone is unsure about being in a relationship and doesn’t want to commit to you, so they stop contacting you and start cancelling dates at the last minute, making excuses not to meet up. However, they don’t want to commit to replacing you and end up regretting their decision so they keep you on the bench, just like a substitute in football. If they can’t find anything better or they finally decide they want you, they’ll take you off the bench. Be wary of people who do this: as quickly as they can take you off the bench, they can also move on to someone else. 

 

Appearances

When we talk about appearances, we mean how you present yourself to other people. Are you showing them your true self, a Photoshopped version, or a different person altogether? At Seventy Thirtywe discuss with our clients the importance of good, accurate photos and information. This does them justice by representing them in the best light, but still portrays an accurate representation of themselves. This brings us on to the next term,kittenfishing. Kittenfishing means showing inaccurate photos of yourself: for example, Photoshopped photos, photos using filters, or photos taken years ago that don’t show how you look now. It can even mean changing your personality depending on how you think your partner wants you to be, and lying about things you are interested in. Kittenfishing is more prevalent now than in previous years, due to an increase in the number ofappsthat can make you look slimmer, alter your skin tone and change your appearance with the click of a button. 

Even more extreme than kittenfishing is catfishing. This term originated from a 2010 film, and it often begins due to a lack of self-confidence. Individuals use a fake identity and someone else’s pictures for their profile on dating sites and social media, and go the extra mile to make another person believe their fake identity is actually them. They may become so engrossed in their lies and false reality that they can’t admit what they’ve done. Catfishing is psychologically damaging: if you’re catfished, you’ll find it harder to trust other people. It’s important to remember to be yourself when dating. There is no point in lying, as lies will catch up with you eventually. 

 

Hot and cold

If someone isn’t fully invested in you but doesn’t want to be without you, they may blow hot and cold – they may treat you inconsistently, sometimes being lovely, and at other times being nasty. 

Love bombingis when a relationship starts out as a whirlwind romance, all hearts and grand gestures. It is highly manipulative and can be a way to gain control over another person. They will tell you they love you very early on, and that they’ve never felt this way about anyone. You may be flattered, and think you feel the same about them – but when you start to reciprocate, they will lose interest in you. They enjoy the chase but as soon as they manage to catch the person they are after, they start looking for the next chase. 

The final term is known as stashingor Jekyll and Hyde-ing. ‘Stashing refers to the act of dating someone seriously, only to have them hide you away from everyone they know’ (Salaky, 2017). They are affectionate when they see you, but they don’t tell their friends and family about you, and don’t share pictures of you on their social media; they ‘stash’ you away. Maybe they’re benching you, maybe they’re cushioning someone else, but they are definitely not committing to you, so it’s time to move on to someone who wants to tell the world about your relationship.

It’s important to remember that people who act in any of these ways are only thinking abouttheirfeelings, not about the psychological effects their behaviour might have on another person. It is okay to feel pain, sadness and confusion if you’re treated like this, but to be able to move forward and continue the journey to find everlasting love, you need to find happiness within yourself. It can’t be dictated by someone else. To hear more on this topic, listen to our podcast,‘Are you up to date with dating terms?’ 

 

References

MacDonald, G. & Leary, M.R. (2005) ‘Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain.’ Psychological Bulletin131(2), 202.

Freedman, G., Powell, D.N., Le, B. & Williams, K.D. (2018) ‘Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting.’ Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,     https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407517748791.

Salaky, K. (2017) ‘Everything you need to know about the newest trend wrecking your dating life – stashing.’ Retrieved from http://uk.businessinsider.com/what-is-stashing-dating-trend-2017-8

How to Deal with Disillusionment

We’ve all been there, in a relationship that is going so well, you almost believe it’s too good to be true and then it is. Your partner says something or does something that shatters the illusion of the perfect relationship you thought you had. The rose-tinted glasses are thrown to the ground and it can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable. Having our perceptions challenged in any context can bring confusion but coupled with a new romantic love, it can be a source of discomfort. But what is disillusionment? It can be referred to as the subsequent feeling of disappointment from the discovery that something is not as good as you once believed it to be or that your beliefs aren’t what they seemed to be.

Consequently, we often try our best to prevent our beliefs from being shattered and can even go as far as seeking out information that supports our principles. As Kaila, ‘The Healthy Helper’says in her blog ‘The importance of challenging your beliefs’, people can latch on to one way of thinking, criticising anything that doesn’t support the mindset that they are in, either in relation to their lifestyle or possibly their relationship. In fact, some even actively search out information that will support their illusions, just to hold onto that sense of security and comfort that believing what they think is correct and that their partner is this perfect person they’ve always been dreaming of brings. Our attempts of holding on to our impressions can even go as far as resulting in people getting irritated when someone tries to counter their opinion on their partner and offers a differing view. Demonstrating this shows more of a case of someone forcibly trying to take your rose-tinted glasses off for you as opposed to you being self-disillusioned. 

As much as we may want a ‘perfect’ relationship, the reality is at some point your partner is likely to do something that you don’t like, even if we choose to see what we want to see in our relationships. When we choose to make our beliefs our sole focus, it closes the door on having the ability to learn and grow in your relationships. It is important to remember that just because something doesn’t specifically align with what you believe about your partner, doesn’t make it wrong or bad. It just makes it different. It may seem uncomfortable or distressing to begin with but depending on what the situation is and what it is that has ‘burst your bubble’ so to speak, there are a number of ways you can respond to it and a multitude of directions your relationship can go. So, it is important to think of disillusionment as a chance to grow both in yourself and in your relationship. 

Therefore when conflict arises in a new relationship, it is often the first hurdle that you and your partner will have to overcome together. If your gut instinct is to usually cut and run at the first sign of any trouble, then you may be missing out on some potentially great relationships and yet if you are someone who becomes too amenable to certain behaviours, then you are again putting yourself at a disadvantage of finding a healthy, happy partnership. This is highlighted by Therapist, Sally Connollyin her blog ‘Running Away from Conflict’, whereby a compromise needs to be struck between two individuals in a relationships. This is because whilst fighting is not usually great for relationships, never talking about issues that have arisen and not resolving differences, is in fact far more detrimental for your relationship. When couples don’t resolve issues, they are more likely to grow distant from each other as they can end up feeling frustrated, upset and dissatisfied. Not feeling heard only exacerbates a feeling of being misunderstood, something that again will push you further from your partner. 

What can intensify the situation is when one or both of the individuals in the relationship exhibit an avoidant attachment type,  as it can worsen the issues discussed in my previous blog ‘The art of self-sabotage, too scared to find what you are looking for?’. This is because you steer yourself away from the reality of the situation in order to maintain a false reality of a perfect relationship that you deem to be ideal. Yet true love will never form if you are living in a falsehood and eventually the cracks will begin to show. Therefore, it is important to live in the relationship you have and not in a fairy-tale one you may dream off. Its not to say that your real relationship isn’t great but the way you think about your relationship and even how you form them can impact its success. For example, as discussed in our podcast ‘Are you up to date with dating terms?’we discuss that there are two contrasting sets of beliefs about the outcomes of romantic relationships. Those who endorse destiny theories believe that relationships succeed or fail because two people are either inherently compatible or not. When problems occur, destiny theorists are more likely to conclude that the relationship was “not meant to be”. They can also demonstrate increased behaviours they believe will reduce the chances of disillusionment. Whereas those who endorse growth theories, believe that relationships thrive when partners overcome challenges and obstacles. Thus, when problems arise, they put additional effort into making their relationship work.  

This is where self-management can come into play, ensuring your expectations are not excessively high can reduce the likelihood of disproportionate disappointment, ultimately reducing consequent negative feelings. If you become aware that you may follow a destiny theorists’ viewpoint, you can work to achieve this self- management. This is not to be confused with having a lack of awareness in what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and what you are willing to accept in a relationship, but more to ensure that the standards you expect your relationship to follow are realistic. If we expect someone to behave perfectly, we will inevitably become discontented, whereas if we have an understanding that we are all human and makes mistakes, then it means that an entire relationship doesn’t have to get tarnished as the result of one situation. 

However, if you do feel like you’ve seen someone’s true colours, exhibited over a number of occasions, and they are very different to the person they made out to be in the beginning of the relationship, there are a few ways to tackle this. The first thing to do is to ensure you do not gloss over the issue. If they’ve said something, acted a certain way, exhibited a particular trait that displeases you, you have to acknowledge it. Once you are aware of it, you can challenge it, not in an aggressive fashion or in an inquisitory manner but exploratory. Express how you feel and then listen to their point of view, it could simply be a misunderstanding in perception and therefore you could give them the benefit of the doubt.  As Stephanie Sarkismentions in her blog ‘7 Keys to a Healthy and Happy Relationship’, arguing but not fighting “without name-calling or raising your voice” will help to resolve your issues and is therefore one of the key factors in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. 

 Nevertheless, there has to be a balance in this, give someone the benefit of the doubt too many times and they soon ascertain they can get away with particular behaviours and if allowed to continue, it can progress into negative behaviour or even further into bullying behaviour.  In order to protect yourself from falling into repetitive potentially abusive behaviour, you mustn’t ignore red flags. A balance needs to be made between whether you have been disillusioned through instances where your partner has behaved in an unacceptable manner or whether they should be given a chance and you move on in the relationship. A key factor in keeping a balanced approach is to understand what you want and need from a relationship, this element is discussed in Nina Amir’sblog on ‘The Importance of Knowing What You Want’, where she states that having “clarity about what you desire keeps you moving toward” your goals. It is also important to remember that our desires are temporal and although some may last for may years, it is ok to amend what we are looking for as we grow. 

Nevertheless, only you can decide which route to go in life, what goals may change and whether you focus on having an authentic relationship, whereby you work with your partner to come through the other side of disillusionment.  What you must do however is just ensure whichever route you do follow, you go with a sense of self and an understanding that no-one is perfect and although you may feel an initial subsequent feeling of disappointment, to remember that disillusionment can be a chance for growth and enlightenment, about yourself, your partner and your relationship.     

Blame

Often, when any kind of relationship comes to an end, the easiest thing to do is to blame the other person; I lost my job because you didn’t support me, our relationship ended because you didn’t prioritise me, our friendship drifted apart because you didn’t call, and so on and so forth. There are of course times when these statements may very well be an accurate analysis of what happened, however more often than not both parties have played a role in the ultimate outcome and it is vital that you take responsibility for your actions. 

With the current political climate where everyone is looking to point the finger of blame, be it at Theresa Mayor Jeremy Corbyn, the “Brexiteers” or the “Remoaners”, we at Seventy Thirty felt now would be as good a time as any to explore the role of blame and responsibility in relationships.   

There has been much written about the impact of blame on a relationship and how not taking responsibility for your actions can lead to you continually repeating the same mistakes. If something is never your fault, why would you need to learn from the situation to make sure things would turn out differently next time; whether that be in business or everyday life.

Peter Bregman wrote a very informative article for the Harvard Business Revie won Why You Should Take the Blame and found that “To take the blame, you need to have confidence in yourself and your capability. You need the personal strength to accept failure. You need enough self-esteem to believe you can learn from your mistakes and succeed another day. You need to accept failure as part of life and not a final sentence on who you are as a person”.So, in any given situation, instead of instantly looking to see whose fault it is, take a moment to think, regardless of who is to ‘blame’, what role you played and how could you have done something differently. Stop trying to find all the different reasons as to why you are not responsible and instead try thinking that, actually, you may very well be the one at fault here so what can you do to rectify that.

When it comes to blame, individuals tend to go into defence mode and instantly hit out with ‘well if you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have done this’ or ‘it’s your fault because…’ and then proceed to list a whole host of reasons, sometimes seen as justifications, as to why they themselves are blameless and responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship lies solely at the other person’s door. 

The danger with this attitude and approach is that you end up failing to grow. Instead of standing back and reflecting on what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you have learnt from that particular situation, you instead adopt a ‘woe is me’ attitude which can lead to loneliness and the end of a potentially fantastic relationship. After all, there is nothing attractive or inviting about spending time with someone who in their opinion is never at fault and who isn’t mature enough to take responsibility for the part they played. 

The term narcissist can sometimes be banded about all to easily without any real insight into the actual meaning of it; psychologist Rachel Sharpless wrote about Narcissism and found that a trait connected with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is an unwillingness to compromise and not seeing something from someone else’s perspective. This trait can also be linked to how some people approach blame for any given situation in a relationship; the ‘it’s not me it’s you’ approach. Narcissism can also involve delusions of grandeur where someone struggles to comprehend the very idea that they are the one in the wrong.  Blaming others for your actions is also an aspect closely linked to NPD. So again, we must consider our role as individuals when it comes to apportioning blame and to not always assume that you are the ‘victim’. 

Neil Farber writes about 5 Ways Blaming Hurts Relationships and makes reference to “the use of “I” statements that reflect your feelings – “I feel hurt or sad when you do this,” rather than “you” blaming statements – “you always do that,” are more likely to evoke emotions that bring us together rather than tear us apart”.Accepting and understanding the part you played can help resolve the conflict sooner. Whilst it’s important to consider how any particular situation affects you and how that subsequently makes you feel, it can be advisable not to be defensive, automatically assuming the role of ‘victim’ and to instead consider how your actions affected the other person. 

Christian Maciel wrote about the 14 Signs Someone Is Always Playing The Victim and found amongst other things, that “people that believe they are victims tend to push friends, family and co-workers away”.This can often be the biggest side effect of not having the ability to take responsibility for your actions and instead constantly playing the blame game. Afterall there are only so many times your support network; be it friends, family, colleagues or a partner, will continually see the situation from your point of view and agree that you are consistently ‘blameless’. Eventually they will start to wonder if perhaps the error lies with your approach to the situation and if its time you realised that. After all, none of us are perfect and therefore its simply not possible for us to always be right and to always be the ‘victim’. So, if you find you are forever having to justify to others why you are so hard done by and why ‘everyone is always against you’, it may be time to take yourself out of the victim role and into the mindset of a mature, responsible adult who wants to learn from every situation they find themselves in, be it good or bad. 

In life, we make decisions and we live with the consequences. Sometimes these will lead to fantastic opportunities that will shape the person we are today, but sometimes they will lead to the loss of a relationship due to something we could have done differently. It is in these times, that a period of reflection is required so that we can learn, grow and not repeat the same mistakes. 

Try to stop yourself from using someone’s goodwill gestures of the past where they have tried to help you, as justifications as to why they are now at fault. For example, ‘in the past you’ve always supported me on this so now you’re not, it’s your fault’. Or, ‘you always helped me before so why won’t you now?’. 

So in conclusion, when it comes to relationships past, consider asking yourself the following questions: What role did I play in this situation? Is there a chance that I too am at fault rather than solely just the other person? Would things have been different if I acted in a more respectful and thoughtful manner towards the other person? All of these questions can help you: identify the patterns with past relationships that you want, or in some cases do not want to repeat, what this experience has taught you about your needs in a relationship, and if you have any faults or weaknesses in a relationship which should be addressed. 

The important thing to remember is to take responsibility and to own the decisions you make. Don’t hide behind always blaming others, hidden meanings in conversations or online quotes you post about continuously being the one who’s hard done by. Instead, take the lead, accept what’s happened and allow it to help you to become the bigger person and therefore a better partner in the future.  

Narcissism; Are you projecting?

Narcissism is a term batted around frequently at the moment, whether it been in the television shows we watch, in reference to a character, the articles we read, talking about a public figure or in general chit chat amongst friends, discussing a date that didn’t go so well.  Either way, those commonly referring to others as narcissists aren’t always getting it right and this can be damaging to both the individual in question and those labelling. Narcissistic traits can be found in all of us to some degree, but high levels of narcissistic adaptations can translate into a personality disorder and the two are very different. 

The traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), in the context of romantic relationships include a strong sense of a whirlwind romance. A technique of strong seduction and a ‘sweeping you off your feet’ sensation ensues, leading to an all-encompassing desire. Thus, a reliance on the individual demonstrating NPD occurs and a belief that this is true, magical love develops. A superficial charm and manipulations, not matter how slight or big, help to enforce this belief that the connection is true. This move to establish a link quickly is an NPD’s need for admiration and a confirmation that they are better than you, as they hold the upper hand.  So perhaps, if you refer to someone you are dating as narcissistic because they want to maintain some level of independence and you believe they are being selfish as a result of this, take a second to ensure you’re not trying to move things to fast and if you are why that is? 

Another trait connected with NPD is an unwillingness to compromise and not seeing something from someone else’s perspective. If you are dating someone who persistently wants things their own way or fail to see your viewpoint, it can put a real strain on the relationship as compromise is a huge aspect of loving relationships. It again feeds into control over the relationship and the other person, therefore take time to establish that compromise is demonstrated in your relationship before jumping to referring to your partner as a narcissist, should they not budge on one thing. If compromise is generated in the relationship, it is understandable that there may be some aspects of life that some people won’t compromise on. For example, if it has always been your dream to have children and you date someone who does not wish to have them, it doesn’t make either of you a narcissist to stick by this. However, if you find yourself or your partner unwilling to make any compromises, this can be a tell-tale sign. 

Blaming others for your actions and a lack of consistency in behaviour are also aspects closely linked to NPD. For most people, it is easy to maintain a connection, even when arguments occur. However, those demonstrating narcissism find it problematic to overcome the damage caused to their grandiose ego. A need is formed, in which they protect their self-esteem over any thought of the emotional wellbeing of another.  

As we said earlier, we can all exhibit narcissistic traits, so it is not to say that if you display one of these behaviours that you have a personality disorder but simply a reminder to be careful when you are labelling others with a term relating to someone’s mental health and to make sure you aren’t projecting traits onto others. Narcissism is not a gender issue and it is important remember that it is not clear whether NPD is controllable or uncontrollable - some with NPD try harder than others to regulate their behaviour, others can be unphased by the hurt they can cause. Whether this is the case or not, labelling someone wrongly can have detrimental effects and so it is important we reflect upon our own behaviour and the persons behaviour as a whole before jumping to conclusions. 

Seventy Thirty’s response to the Daily Mail article.

The Daily Mail published an article on 2ndNovember full of inaccurate and foul statements by Ms Tereza Burki starting from the headline “didn’t find her a single match – and then sued HER when she complained”. As you can see from the judgment, Seventy Thirty did in fact find Ms Burki 5 matches in 11 weeks of Ms Burki’s membership, out of 12 months that she signed up for. In the court Ms Burki admitted that all the 5 men were suitable for her, and the Judge found them to be fulfilling her criteria. We didn’t sue Tereza Burki because she complained, but because she wrote lies and defamatory statements online of which the Judge found Tereza Burki liable and we were awarded £5000. 

The Daily Mail states: “after two failed marriages” when it is in fact THREE failed marriages for Ms Tereza Burki. When originally profiled at Seventy Thirty, Tereza Burki stated she has three children, from three different husbands. During the trial, her legal team never raised a concern about the number of marriages. Therefore, we can conclude that Tereza Burki has three marriages behind her.

The Daily Mail wrote “For a hugely bright private wealth consultant who has racked up goodness knows how many millions of pounds for her well-heeled clients over the years”. However, Tereza Burki informed us she is unemployed, and when previously checked on Companies House website and her business REGERI LTD, it showed that it had a £884 turnover for the two past consecutive years. And the second company she claims on Linkedin she runs for the past 10 years called Children Manage Money https://www.linkedin.com/in/tereza-burki-55110a2/, she incorporated actually in 2016 and has been dormant according to Companies House records https://beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/company/09969375/filing-history

Ms Tereza Burki was unable to produce a tax return when asked to send one when she met us for the first time (or P60, or P45). She told us she lives in a small rented flat in Chelsea, paid by one of the ex-husbands. Also, she paid membership for Seventy Thirty in three instalments, and we have emails where she is saying she is short of money. According to Ms Burki, her ex-husband paid for her membership with another matchmaking agency of which she was a member with before she joined Seventy Thirty.  

The Daily Mail wrote: “7,000 of the most desirable and affluent singletons on the planet on their books” we never told Ms Burki this; nor the “7000” number, nor “desirable people on the planet”, and this can be checked in the Judgment. 

The Daily Mail wrote: “a revolutionary psychological profiling service” such a thing doesn’t exist, as we are not a psychiatric hospital. Ms Burki’s fabrication is running wild, sorry to say. Profiling is conducted by a psychologist – that is all.  

The Daily Mail wrote: “What followed was, well . . . nothing.” Incredibly inaccurate and misleading. The fact is; what followed was 11 weeks of her membership, and 5 profiles she accepted in the court were suitable, as she accepted those 5 profiles while still a member (Judge also found them suitable), she rejected only 1 man, but 4 men rejected to meet her. Ms Burki signed a 12 months contract; she broke the contract after only 11 weeks. Perhaps if she remained a member she would be in a relationship today. Please refer to the Judgment, as you will see how Ms Burki admits that the 5 profiles offered to her were great, and genuine members, as we had to show evidence in court.  

Ms Burki also told us before joining, that one of her ex-husbands is worth around £200 million, and he is paying for his and her child, and that is how she can have nice things, and travel around. She also told us that he bought a flat in Cannes. We also have an email from her neighbour from the building where she rents her flat in London, who told us how she is always “short of money” so when she goes on holiday she sub-lets her flat to tourists. 

Ms Burki states in her interview: “And someone promises you can have that eternal happiness if you just pay whatever and sign here’ First of all, she was never promised “eternal happiness” as we are not a religious organisation, but rather a limited company. Second, Ms Burki had our legal documents with her for over a year before she signed them stating that she read and understood our documents, and they are printed in font size 12, therefore cannot be considered a small print. Third, Ms Burki paid the first instalment in December 2014 and the last at the end of January 2015, so there was lot of time to read again our legal documents in font size 12. 

The Daily Mail writes: “When she demanded her money back, Ms Burki, who was attracted to the agency’s promise of discretion, found herself caught up in a high-profile court case” First of all, when she broke her contract after only 11 weeks, Ms Burki filed a court claim herself, then refused our offer during mediation, she refused a further two offers, so it was clear she wanted so badly to go to court. 

On 17th September 2018 we had the court hearing regarding the costs. Tereza Burki’s solicitors claimed her legal costs were £220,000 for this case, and she was awarded around £8000. On 19thJuly 2018 while waiting for the judgment her solicitors wrote to us asking us to settle before the judgment and stated “Your client should also bear in mind that in the event that it is wholly successful (which we consider unlikely), our client is unlikely to be able to meet any damages or costs award” We wonder if Tereza Burki is now in position to meet her £212.000 solicitors fees. 

Tereza Burki was never shown a profile of “James” in December, and the guy whose profile we showed her, was by the time she paid the full fee at the end of January, dating and unavailable. We know whom she is talking about, but it would be professional if she was honest. 

Tereza Burki explains how it came to her writing defamatory statements online: ‘That was after three glasses of wine one evening when I’d tried to get hold of the owner [founder Susie Ambrose] to find a solution, but had been told: “Nobody talks to her.” The truth is; Tereza Burki conducted a systematic online hate campaign lasting for over 12 months. She has changed the online text three times in the space of 12 months, so it wasn’t only one tipsy evening. She went as far as sending threatening text messages directly to Mr Lemarc Thomas in June 2016 saying “I shall make sure you guys are out of business pretty soon” and to Ms Ambrose threatening “you would find it hard to work in this city”.

Please find bellow a letter sent by Susie Ambrose Company Director on behalf of Seventy Thirty Ltd to a MailOnline journalist that was not published

“Dear A, 

Thank you for getting in touch, and giving me an opportunity to explain from Seventy Thirty’s side. Much appreciated. 

Ms Burki did indeed make the allegations you list. The Judge found that she had been misled as to the number of active members on our database (which finding is under appeal) as we include expired members who are still single and headhunted individuals, but none of her other allegations were upheld by the Judge. You can check what the Judge found from the Judgment. 

Ms Burki can hardly complain that we made insufficient efforts to find her a suitable match.  She was only with us for 11 weeks during which time she was sent at least 5 profiles all of which she accepted in the court met her criteria. 

All businesses have complaints from time to time.  You refer to 4 dissatisfied clients.  Seventy Thirty has been responsible for creating numerous successful relationships which have produced many children.

Mr Lemarc Thomas is an exceptional professional who was very open and honest with Tereza Burki and told her that due to the fact that she is Bulgarian, with three children, from three different husbands and without a job (as she couldn’t produce a tax return or any evidence of her business. We have established that she doesn’t have a property in her name, that she lives in the rented property and her business when we checked Companies House record showed turnover of £800) the process is going to be long.

The legal documents every member is given to read and sign, says in 6 places how we work and who is on our database. We even clearly state on our website, see page Members.  Tereza Burki signed the documents stating that she read and understood. 

In the first 11 weeks of her membership, she was shown 5 profiles, and she accepted 5 profiles. In court, she confirmed that all 5 men were up to her standards. Out of 5 men, she rejected only 1 man and 4 men rejected her. Only 1 gentleman accepted to meet her, and she accepted to meet him. But later on, she refused to go and meet him. The membership is for 12 months, she only lasted 11 weeks. So Seventy Thirty didn’t fail to find her a partner, she frustrated the contract herself. We have many people who have found love later in their membership, or even 16 or 20 months later, same as people who have found love early on. 

In court, she only relied on her statement that she didn’t know and was apparently not told about expired paid members who were still single and available for matchmaking, and headhunted individuals. All of this is clearly explained in her Letter of Agreement and Terms and Conditions that she signed. Bizarrely a judge, a man of the law, the same people who made all companies in the UK have contracts and T & C, accepted her admission that “she didn’t read Seventy Thirty’s legal documents” 

When I started the business way back at the beginning of 2000 I was the first one to launch headhunting, and my employees and I were always talking about this in the press and our marketing material. The judge accepted that Tereza Burki “thought” that on our database are only members who paid in the last 12 months, as she didn’t read our legal documents. That is extremely inexplicable and unbelievable as there is not a single matchmaking, dating, or internet dating agency on the planet that only have members who joined in the last 12 months. And on the basis of this, she won on a misrepresentation on her initial meeting with Mr Lemarc Thomas. Her claim was also against the profiles that she was given, but the judge dismissed that claim and confirmed that profiles were suitable, as we had to produce evidence. 

Tereza Burki also claimed in court how she badly wants a fourth child! Almost four years later since she joined Seventy Thirty she is still single and without a fourth child. When I wanted a child, and I couldn't have naturally I adopted my wonderful daughter as a single mum, and I work and provide for my child till today. Few of my female friends had IVF treatments and have beautiful children also as single mums. We didn't need a wealthy or poor husband in order to have children, so her argument in court was inconsistent with reality. 

I will always stand behind the fact that Mr Lemarc Thomas never misled Tereza Burki, and that she was very clear about our database. He had no reason to be dishonest as it takes few minutes to a) look at our website, b) to see it on six places in our legal documents, c) to find some press interview online where we talk about headhunting, and d) after 16 years in business we don’t need to “lure” people in. 

One also contradicting thing by Tereza Burki’s own admission in the court was a gentleman “Mr X” who she wanted to meet, and asked about him on few occasions, and who is extremely wealthy, and who she believed is headhunted, but in reality, he was our paid member. So it was ok to meet “Mr X” even though Ms Burki thought he was headhunted, but at the same time, she claimed in the court, she had no idea we headhunt.  

And that is why the judge said: “I have not found that Seventy Thirty lacked a sizeable database (when former members a headhunted individuals are taken into account), or was not an effective matchmaking agency, or did not in the event provide Ms. Burki with suitable matches. I have not, therefore, found that the business was a fundamentally dishonest or fraudulent operation."

The other two witnesses you are mentioning didn’t find love and chemistry something we or nobody else can guarantee but witness “1” received 31 profiles, and witness “2” received 11 profiles, and both of them agreed in the court that profiles were good. Getting angry and upset because men do not choose to meet you (or to see you beyond a first date) is not Seventy Thirty’s fault it is life’s reality. Ladies also reject men’s profiles, and that is normal and we are proud that our process is transparent, and our members are in control of whom they want to meet. 

Tereza Burki started threatening and defamatory action as soon as she was told that we don’t feel a refund is warranted, as she was only 11 weeks into her membership. She has sent threatening messages to Mr Lemarc Thomas, and to me personally and started writing defamatory statements online. At this point, she never met me, as I left an active role in 2011 when I adopted my daughter. Yet that didn’t stop her writing to me, threatening me personally and saying how I would find it hard to work in this city.

Interestingly Tereza Burki appeared in Wandsworth court on 22 January 2018 to be a witness on the side of our ex-employee Emmet Colville whom we took legal action against for stealing contacts and passing it onto Tereza Burki. The Judge Hugman dismissed her statement stating in front of five wittneses that Tereza Burki is unreliable and not to be believed and called her “hot-headed”. We won the case, and our ex-employee was ordered to pay £25,000 and was given an injunction order.  

In March 2013 when Tereza Burki came to see us for the first time, she said how she was a member of Gray & Farrar another matchmaking agency. She complained exactly the same as she is complaining about us, and she stated how Gray & Farrar made out it was something wrong with her, not the other way round- she has been for a talk with them to discuss renewing her membership but loves the fact that with us she chooses and we showed her some profiles which Gray & Farrar would not do. She said how she is considering taken them to court, but we don’t know if she did or not, or if they refunded her. 

Then during her 11 weeks with us, we have her emails where she is “reminding” Mr Thomas how she was unhappy with Gray & Farrar and she is hoping we will not be the same. Then in 2017 and 2018 in her witness statement, she changed her position and stated how she was happy with Gray & Farrar but choose to join Seventy Thirty! 

This Wednesday we had a surprise visit from our female member who stopped by to say hello and to express her disbelief in what Tereza Burki is saying, as she recently married our male member and are both exceptionally happy. This is what makes the Seventy Thirty team and me very happy and proud to be here. 

Seventy Thirty is a wonderful business, and we are incredibly proud of the service we provide and our very many happy clients.

Thank you 

Kind Regards

Susie Ambrose – Company Director 

P.S. if you need any evidence please let me know ”

By her own admission in court, Tereza Burki apparently never read the terms and conditions and was therefore not clear about the fact that our database consists of current and past members and people who have been carefully curated and selected as potential matches through executive searches. Her expectations as a member were consequently lofty and unrealistic.  

Tereza Burki was found to have libelled Seventy Thirty, as the Judge said that we had sourced suitable matches for her. Therefore, her remarks about us being a non-reputable and fraudulent company were deemed untrue and entirely without foundation. In a day and age when so many people refer to search engines to research a new contact or product before they invest their time and money, baseless and intentionally damaging remarks on internet review forums can have a massively harmful effect on consumer confidence and the membership of a business.

Seventy Thirty has been in business since 2001 and its team of psychologists and matchmakers have developed a dating model with a great deal of success. To date, we’ve been responsible for matching over six thousand individuals who have, on the basis of an introduction facilitated by Seventy Thirty, gone on to have long-lasting relationships. Moreover, sixty-three children have been born as a result of our introductions. We are incredibly proud of the service we provide and our very many happy clients

Thank you

Seventy Thirty Ltd

Meet the matchmakers who find love for the international jet-set dating elite

First-date nerves are par for the course and Jake was no exception. As he made his way to the Mayfair private members’ club, Marks, often frequented by the likes of David Cameron and Boris Johnson, the 47-year-old venture capitalist struggled to contain a “rush of anxious energy”. 

He needn’t have worried. Utterly charmed by Anna, a glamorous 38 year-old PR executive (“She was so stunning, I almost knocked over my glass of water”) Jake married her seven months later

But this was no ordinary whirlwind romance. Jake had travelled over 3,000 miles from New York to meet London-based Anna, whom he was introduced to by Seventy-Thirty, a matchmaking service that helps high net-worth individuals find love, wherever in the world they are based.

The new jet-set dating elite don't let oceans get in the way of finding true love. 

The couple are very much typical of this new jet-set dating elite –  the super-rich whose lives are so international they don’t see a few oceans as a barrier to true love.

Seventy-Thirty has a global membership of around 2,000, with the majority of their clients aged between 30 and 60. When its Managing Director, Lemarc Thomas told Jake he had found the perfect match for him in London, Jake saw it as opportunity not a problem.

“The dating scene in New York is too aggressive for me,” he explains. “I travel a lot and I’m more drawn to the effortless sophistication of European women. Anna sounded intriguing so I flew out to meet her the following weekend.”

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