Generosity and Love: The Psychology of
Giving Gifts to our Loved Ones
by Susie Ambrose
Other than tradition demanding it, it is interesting to understand the psychology of giving gifts, particularly in couples. What is it that drives us to shower our loved ones with more gifts than anyone else in our lives during the festive season? - do we simply value the relationship more than any other, or are other factors at work? Psychology gives us some insight into our generosity towards our loved ones. In relationships, we give gifts to express our love and, in some instances, to announce the relationship to society; we also use them to strengthen and balance our relationships and we get genuine pleasure from doing so. However, in some instances we also engage in fake generosity: at what point is someone showering us with gifts to force a return transaction onto us, as opposed to expressing their genuine desire to put us before themselves?
From an evolutionary viewpoint, we are motivated to give the gifts of the highest value (not necessarily monetary) to romantic partners because it is the relationship that holds the highest value for us, in terms of producing offspring. Men also use gift-giving to attract women - this links back to the fact that men have evolved to attract women by displaying the resources at their disposal for providing security, and explains why men place a higher value on the price of a gift as opposed to the emotional significance, which is more valued by women. But what about altruism? Generosity in loving relationships is also real, and is not just a by-product of the way we have evolved.
People in love are truly altruistic and generous for a number of reasons. It has been shown that when we go out of our way to put our beloved before us (e.g. perhaps spending a large sum, or taking out a lot of time to choose something special for him/her) we get as much satisfaction from it as our partner does. One reason is that spending the time really thinking about the partner and what they do and do not like actually keeps our understanding of them current, as we move away from the early stages of the relationship. It strengthens bonds in romantic relationships between couples and helps keep the understanding in the relationship alive. So, it is good for us and for the relationship to take time out and do something special for a partner. Furthermore, neuroscience has shown us that when we do something special for someone and place their interests before our own, the same area of the brain is activated that is usually activated during sex, or in response to certain foods, so we generally do get pleasure from giving too.
Most people will have heard of 'equity theory' and how it relates to human relationships and the need for balance. Generally speaking, people will only start and develop a relationship if they get back at least what they put in (or perceive that they do). So, a very wealthy man who is putting security and lifestyle choices into a relationship, but who is perhaps older or less attractive than his partner, perceives that he is getting balance and of course this works in reverse. This is a very clinical way to look at romantic relationships (and an obvious example) but on a fundamental level, psychologists have shown time and time again the importance of perceived balance in romantic relationships. If one partner feels as though they have put in a lot more than they get back, the relationship will not work. Now, imagine that gift-giving is one opportunity to re-address this balance along the way: the husband that knows he has been spending too long at the office comes home on Friday with a bunch of flowers! This is, of course, all done at a subconscious level: rarely do we articulate what we are doing, even to ourselves, as we are not necessarily aware of it. This is known as tactical generosity and is more common in men than women.
There is another form of generosity and it is one we should all be aware of and avoid in our relationships. Some forms of gifts can be simply an opportunity to force a transaction onto us and create a debt in our account: different from generosity in its' purer form. In this instance, we might give or receive from someone a very expensive, thoughtful or elaborate gift and the only real motive is the givers' need to have some kind of hold over the receiver. A classic example is when a relationship is coming to an end and the giver thinks that creating an 'IOU' will prolong the ending, or maybe halt it altogether by creating a purely transactional romantic relationship. Gifts of this nature are perhaps the only gifts best refused.
Susie Ambrose is a Psychoanalytical Psychotherapist and the CEO of Seventy Thirty.