The First Approach
by Massimo Stocchi
How we set out searching for a partner to love and to receive love from, occupies a great deal of thinking whilst awake and asleep for both men and woman.
Partner searching and taking the initiative by making 'the first move' takes time and ALOT of thinking. When a man approaches a woman, his ego is at stake! Men associate feelings of worthiness with their ego and if they encounter a situation where their ego may be reduced or challenged, they feel unworthy and ultimately unmanly. So what is it like to make an approach? Well some men would say that making an approach is like an interview from hell. "What if she doesn't like me?", "have I read the signals well enough?" and "how do I introduce myself?" are but many of the fears that a man considers before he can take that step forward. Studies have shown that many men will typically take the 'safer option' and approach a woman who does not fit his perceived standards 100%, but who is less likely to reject him.
In some situations, the dynamics of approaching a woman become so awe provoking that it is essential to have a 'nothing to lose' frame of mind So remember, it is ok to be a man! What I mean by this is that not being able to understand a woman is ok. Wanting to know about the woman who is in front of you will play far more in your favour than using chat up lines (which only work if you have something damn good to back them up). If you do approach a woman in this way, your mindset will naturally be that there is nothing to lose as you will have no expectations!
Attraction is in the eye of the beholder. I firmly believe we create attraction regardless of what our look, even in a world focused on aesthetics (or so we think). I assure you that men most successful in meeting women are regular looking guys who have nothing to lose and would like to meet a fantastic lady. Their attitude has placed them one step closer: they are more focused on meeting someone, rather than leaving with a bruised ego.
Making yourself known and remembered is also vital. We all differ in our own special ways; simply find what separates you from everyone else and what makes you the individual that you are, and make this aspect of yourself the attractive aspect.
On this basis gentlemen, two key factors need to be remembered: “be different in an attractive way” and “your enemy is insecurity and neediness”.
So how should women handle being approached? We all love compliments and sometimes men are a little bit impressionable: they may watch too many movies and be influenced by the 'stupidity' that they contain, so ladies, please do bear with them. Once over the first approach 'jitters' (highly prized egos are at stake remember), they are actually really great guys.
Awareness of the non-verbal language of attraction also plays a role here. The rule of four: simply put, this means that if one shows a minimum of four non-verbal attraction signals to a man, he will subconsciously assume we are attracted to him. Having an awareness of the signals that we are giving off may prevent someone from, or entice someone into, making an approach. A momentary exchange of glances opens non-verbal dialogue which is loaded with sexual potential. If you re-establish eye contact you have already given 2 signals. Other signals indicating that we want someone to come closer could accompany this through our body posture (leaning towards the gentleman for example, or an even simpler gesture such as a tilting of the head or a smile). So for the women out there, be aware of what signals you are giving off!
Ladies, if your glances are mistakenly interpreted as a 'come-on', and faced with a gentleman who you share no interest in, everyone likes politeness and a simple "no thank you" is always refreshing. Perhaps combine this with a correction of your body language so that the message is clear but not insulting.
But a word to the wise: 'never judge a book by its cover'. You might even be surprised, and somewhat intrigued, by what he's got to say. We always come across the saying that beauty 'is but skin deep' and 'in the eye of the beholder'. This is more often than not true and, who knows, you might actually learn a few things about yourself and an interesting person if you take the time to do so. Once you have mastered body language, you can listen to him without leading him on.
Men, ask yourselves: what is my motivation for the approach. If a woman is approached, she should ask herself what she would like to gain from the chance encounter. This is a wonderful position to be in, as we can meet an incredible person who can introduce a new experience to our lives!
Massimo Stocchi is a Psychologist