Take The Strain
by Roujin Sharif-Saghez
What effect does a recession have on our relationships? Information in the news is conflicting, there is a rise in the number of marriages, yet also apparently an increase in relationship breakdowns. One thing is certain, today's relationships are faced with new and unanticipated inconveniences that put new strains on them, and these create new challenges that couple recognising them with the need to learn how to resolve them. However, by working together as a team, communicating well, maintaining intimacy, and learning from our mistakes we can help our relationships survive.
Increased levels of stress are faced by thousands of people who have lost their job or whose businesses or are at risk. Many may feel the need to work harder to ensure their place in the Company. Psychologists know this could result in increased stress and anxiety levels, and potentially lead to changes in behavioural patterns. Such changes may put people at risk of becoming depressed. To overcome this, it is important that couples see themselves as a team and try to overcome any problems by facing them together rather than as two separate individuals. If couples sit down together, communicate and talk about their emotions and what they can do together as a team to overcome challenges, they can learn to accept help from each other in ways that perhaps go against the traditional grain.
If your partner has lost their job, it is important to support them through such times and reassure them that this is only a temporary setback. If the shoe is on the other foot, it is crucial for your psychological health to accept help when needed and if it is offered.
Women have evolved as being open to accepting help from a male partner in this area of life (it is also more traditionally acceptable), whereas men have evolved as the hunter-gatherer and breadwinner and, as a result, have a much harder time accepting financial and career advice from their partner. Men have evolved to be prone to thinking they are more desirable when they can display that they are able to support their partners. It is normal to experience confusion and insecurity when we lose a role in a relationship, but by working together as a team and talking things through you can ensure both parties understand that this is a temporary situation. Make it clear between yourselves that you are aware of the things each one of you brings to the relationship, aside from finance, and be sure one another has a role and feels they are contributing.
Regardless of whether you are at work or at home, it is important that you make your partner feel appreciated during these times together. This doesn't need to involve money, it is always the thought that counts more. You can cook a nice meal, or maybe treat them to a nice and relaxing massage, which can also be quite romantic! Not only are you adding to your own role within the relationship but you are creating more intimacy, another very important step in weathering this kind of storm.
Feeling stressed can be tiring, especially if someone feels pressured to work that extra bit harder to impress their boss. This can lead to less quality time spent with loved ones, particularly in the bedroom! Intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and research suggests that cuddling, touching, kissing and being intimate can make you feel positive and closer to your partner, as well as making the bond stronger: at a time when working together as a team is more important than ever, it is vital that you do make time for intimacy.
Conflicts of interest in spending habits are another potential issue. When deciding compatibility with a partner, most people do not take into account their spending habits. This may not be seen as a potential problem until faced with financial difficulties. Try to understand that things which may seem insignificant to you may be very important to your partner. Review your monthly spending together, but do not let it turn to an argument. Try to come up with ideas on how to cut down on luxuries, treatments, or activities, and maybe comprise by coming up with alternative ideas with your partner. Couples in long-term relationships usually believe they know their partner quite well, and it isn't until times of hardship that this is actually put to test.
When Josh got demoted, instead of ignoring the decrease in the household income he realised he needed to talk to his partner. When he got home that night he sat down with Lucy and together they worked out their monthly outgoings, and recognised the need for changes in their lifestyles. After a few compromises and changes, they easily avoided what could have potentially put their future at risk. Now there is a shared understanding and no nasty surprises when the monthly statement arrives - they agreed how their money should be spent, together, and saw things from one another's perspectives.
It may also be a good idea to review your dreams and goals together, or maybe just delay them for a little longer: is it really necessary to invite 400 people to the wedding when more than half you don't even recognise, or haven't seen since you were two years old?
Finally, we need to learn from our mistakes rather than be resentful or defensive about them. After loosing his job in the City, Michael's wife is now filing for a divorce, not really surprising as she only noticed him when he purchased the most expensive drink in the bar and flashed his Rolex. Unfortunately Michael was suffering from the famous "toxic wife syndrome". Some of the relationship break-downs we hear about now could be explained by having chosen the wrong partner, someone who is potentially more interested in your monetary value than how valuable you are as a person. If you have been in a similar situation, learn from it! Would it not be a good idea to find someone who you are compatible with in terms of values, background, goals, lifestyle and interests? Whether this relates to arguments within a couple or bad choices when meeting your partner, we all make many mistakes in life and in relationships and we should use each as an opportunity to see what we could have done differently and grow.
Aside from all the above added stress, Recession can compel individuals to re-evaluate their lives and help people to realise what is actually important and what makes life worth living. People may also recognise faults in their lifestyle, and how they are spending their money. Change is not always as bad as people anticipate it to be. In short, by working together as a "couple" you can certainly make the relationship and the bond between two people stronger, rather than it going in the opposite direction.
Roujin Sharif-Saghez is a Psychologist and relationship expert.